[DM - David Mitchell, RO - Richard Osman, HW - Holly Walsh, SC - Susan Calman, DO'D - David O'Doherty]
DM: Richard, your subject is "nuts". Dry fruit consisting of usually edible seed kernels enclosed in usually inedible hard shells. Off you go Richard, fingers on buzzers the rest of you.
RO: To start this lecture, I took a bag and I stuffed it full of every type of nut I could think of. Join me now, if you will, on a magical journey as I rummage through my bulging nut sack. What's first? Ah, it's a peanut. A peanut is a type of nut. [Buzz]
DM: Holly.
HW: [giggles nervously] I just got so confused with the rules because I realized a peanut isn't a type of nut.
DM: So are you withdrawing your buzz?
HW: I withdraw my buzz.
DM: You're right to withdraw it, because apparently a peanut is not a type of nut. It's a legume, like a pea, but it grows underground. And you know, I just want to say - I've gone on the record with this before - I hate this shit. The fact that half the things that are nuts aren't nuts, and half the things that are fruits are vegetables, and this, that and the other, as if the way we refer to things and the way we cook them is irrelevant, and the biologists have all the say. They've got Latin, haven't they? The people who classify these things have got Latin, they can do what they like with Latin. By all means say that a peanut is not a "nuttus", but don't tell me it's not a nut. It is a nut, it's a major nut. Go into a pub and say "Have you got any nuts?" "Yes, we've got peanuts." "No you haven't, you've got legumes!" [Audience applause] Anyway, I'm going to leave it there, but it is botanically correct that a peanut is not a nut.
RO: Can I go on record as saying something as well?
DM: Go on.
RO: You're going to hate the rest of this lecture! I know about one thousand facts about peanuts. For example, peanut butter rarely contains peanuts. Rather, it is usually made from cashews.
DM [interrupting]: I mean, this is entirely irrelevant to your subject of nuts. I don't know why you're going on about this legume! [Audience applause, buzz] Susan.
SC: I think peanut butter doesn't necessarily have peanuts in it. It's got cashews in it.
DM: Er, no. You're thinking of cashew butter, which you can get apparently at £2.80 a jar from Sainsbury's.
DO'D: Cashew nuts are technically mammals. [Applause] I've always said with The Unbelievable Truth you need to break it right down, because legumes and bulbs are... [Applause]
RO: I tell you what, it's not getting better. Are you ready? The cashew is another type of nut. [Pause, buzz]
DM: Holly.
HW: I think a cashew is definitely a nut.
DM: It isn't. It isn't. What on earth made you think a cashew is a nut? I don't understand it. [Applause] A cashew is the seed of the cashew fruit.
RO: When you make butter out of nuts, you call it "nutter". The Dutch word for peanuts is "mavoenoes", which means "my uncle's nuts". The advert where a peanut M&M provocatively undressed was banned on Dutch television. The Dutch call peanut butter "peanut cheese". [Buzz]
DM: Holly.
HW: I mean, I'm going to guess that's true. The sexy M&M banned on Dutch television.
DM: It was not banned on Dutch television. [Buzz] Susan.
SC: Peanut cheese.
DM: Correct. [Cheering and applause.] Yes, in the Netherlands, peanut butter is called "pindakaas", which literally translates as "peanut cheese".
HW: So are you saying that in Holland, peanut butter is neither nut nor butter?
DM: Everywhere, peanut butter is neither nut nor butter. What it is is legumes ground to a slime.
RO: The trouble is that if you take both the nut and the butter away it's just called "pee", and no one wants to eat it. In Roman times, the flower of the cashew nut was widely believed to be the cause of the common cold. And that is why, even now, we say "cashew" when we sneeze. Back to my nut sack, and what do we find next? A pistachio nut. The pistachio nut is a type of nut. [Buzz, applause.]
DM: Holly, I don't know why you're doing it to yourself.
HW: Is it true though?
DM: No! [Applause] No, the pistachio nut is a member of the cashew family. A pistachio is just a seed. It's just a seed.
RO: Ireland's climate is ideal for growing coconuts. Coconuts are another type of nut. [Buzz]
DM: Holly.
HW: I think Ireland's climate is good for growing coconuts, because there's a Gulf Stream. There's a Gulf Stream and you can grow coconuts in Ireland.
DM: You may be able to, but it's certainly not ideal for growing coconuts.
HW: Well, can you grow a coconut in Ireland?
DM: Well, yes obviously in a greenhouse...
HW: So it's an ideal place to grow coconuts.
DM: I would take issue with your definition of "ideal" as meaning "just about possible".
HW: OK, fine. A coconut is a nut, a coconut is a nut.
DM: Are you going for that as well?
HW: Yes.
DM: I can't believe this. Of course it isn't! It's a drupe or stone fruit.
RO: There is a pattern emerging, I would say.
HW: Yeah, but one of... The thing about this game is, the pattern means that there will be one that you've smuggled through.
SC [smugly]: And it's worth losing those twelve points!
RO: In the olden days, some members of the Irish church believed that geese were actually nuts which grew on trees. [Buzz]
DM: David.
DO'D: I think the people used to believe that geese came from nuts.
DM: Yes they did. [Cheering and applause] The belief was that the geese first developed inside nutshells hanging from trees along seashores, then the nuts fell into the sea and became shellfish, and finally the geese hatched from barnacles. The legend persisted until the end of the eighteenth century, and in County Kerry until relatively recently, Catholics could eat this bird on a Friday because it counted as fish.
RO: Time to give my nut sack some attention again, and what do we have here? Ah! A walnut. The walnut was invented... [Buzz]
DM: David, you just buzzed after the phrase "Ah, a walnut". You can't buzz in on a thing you think he's about to say - well you can, you can say "The next thing is true".
DO'D: The next thing is true.
DM: Richard, carry on.
RO: The walnut was invented by a Japanese nutcracker company in a bid to increase demand. [Applause]
DM: I'm afraid to tell you that isn't true.
RO: Leonardo da Vinci once invented a horse-powered nutcracker, an early incarnation of the Supremes were once called the Nutcrackers, and MC Hammer has a phobia of nutcrackers. [Buzz]
DM: Susan.
SC [shouting]: MC Hammer has a phobia of nutcrackers!
DM: He doesn't. Richard?
RO: OK. Time to empty my nut sack. Brazil nuts... [buzz]
DO'D: I think that means MC Hammer can touch them. [Applause]
RO: Brazil nuts are a type of nut and were named after former Ipswich Town striker and TalkSport show host Alan Brazil. [Buzz]
DM: Holly.
HW: Brazil nuts are a type of nut.
DM: No! [Hysterical audience laughter] No, they're just a seed, just a seed. They're related to blueberries and cranberries, and tea.
HW [incredulous]: Brazil nuts are related to cranberries?
DM: Yeah. I don't think they've kept in touch.
RO: Pine nuts are a type of nut... [buzz]
DM: Holly.
HW: Are pine nuts a type of nut?
DM [abruptly]: No.
RO: ...named after jazz saxophonist Courtney Pine. Almonds are a type of nut... [buzz]
DM [not even waiting for HW's challenge]: Seed inside a drupe. [Applause]
RO: Horse chestnuts are a type of nut. [Buzz]
HW: Yeah.
DM: Horse chestnuts? No, seed.
RO: And finally, hazelnuts. For the film Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, instead of using CGI, director Tim Burton trained forty squirrels over ten months. [Buzz]
DM: Susan.
SC [almost hysterical]: I actually know this one to be completely true. He did train actual squirrels for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory instead of using CGI. I know that for a fact, it's a fact I read somewhere. It's a fact!
HW: Maybe because Susan auditioned for it, but didn't get the part.
DM: You're right, Susan, it is a fact! [Cheering and applause] Yes, he had a team of eight handlers spend ten months training forty squirrels to crack nuts for the scene.
RO: And, amazingly, the hazelnut is not actually a nut at all. [Pause, buzz]
DM [wearily]: Holly, what are you saying is true?
HW: A hazelnut is not a nut.
DM: A hazelnut... is a nut.
HW: Oh! [Applause]
DM: So you have an absolute 100% record of not spotting nuts. And that, I'm very sorry to say, is the end of Richard's lecture! [Cheering and applause] And at the end of that round, Richard, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that when you make butter made out of nuts you call it "nutter". And the second truth is that Leonardo da Vinci once invented a horse-powered nutcracker. And that means, Richard, you've scored two points!
