Sunday 27 March 2016

Counties of England*

*For the Purposes of Lieutenancy


Oh there's Cornwall, Devon, Dorset, Wiltshire, Hampshire, Isle of Wight,
West Sussex and East Sussex, Surrey, Berkshire if I'm right,
Greater London, City of London, Essex, Hertfordshire and Kent,
There used to be a Middlesex - I don't know where it went.
And Oxfordshire and Buckinghamshire and Bedfordshire and all,
Northamptonshire and Cambridgeshire, and Rutland's rather small,
And there's Suffolk, Norfolk, Lincolnshire and Leicestershire and Notts,
These are the counties of England - there are lots and lots and lots.

[SPOKEN:] Well, only forty-eight actually.  And "Nottinghamshire" was too long to fit into the line.

[Pause]

These are in fact the ceremonial counties of England, defined under the Lieutenancies Act 1997 as the areas to which a Lord Lieutenant is appointed.  They are not be confused with the 83 metropolitan and non-metropolitan counties defined for the purposes of local government.

[Pause]

Nor are they to be confused with the 39 historic counties of England established by the Normans and promoted by the Association of British Counties, whose continued existence was acknowledged by the Government in 2013.

[Pause]

Actually I do know where Middlesex went.  It was abolished in 1965 when the Greater London Council was established, and was mostly absorbed into Greater London with the exception of two small areas now in Hertfordshire and Surrey.

[Pause]

And to clarify the next bit: there are only three historic Ridings of Yorkshire, but there are four current subdivisions for the purposes of lieutenancy, only one of which - the East - is referred to as a Riding, and whose boundaries do not correspond exactly to those of the historic East Riding.

[Pause]

But hey, it's only a bloody song.

[SUNG:]
Now Yorkshire is a county that's so big it needs dividing
Into South and West and North and East - that's what they call a Riding,
Northumberland and Cumbria, County Durham, Tyne and Wear,
Greater Manchester and Merseyside and proper Lancashire.
And Cheshire, Shropshire, Staffordshire and Derbyshire, I claim,
And Worcestershire and Warwickshire, West Midlands (dreadful name!),
And Herefordshire and Gloucestershire and Bristol in the West,
Which leaves us only with Somerset - the one we love the best!



Don't Mix Your Drinks


In every supermarket there's a most delicious drink,
In every corner shop and any pub of which you think.
It's cheap and it's refreshing, so it's such a dreadful shame
That they sell it as pear cider, which is not its proper name.

For cider comes from apples and perry comes from pears.
I don't know when they changed it, but it caught me unawares.
I want to start a protest, but it seems nobody cares
That cider comes from apples and perry comes from pears.
Yes apples give you cider, and pears will give you perry.
You can look the meanings up in any dictionary.
Just Google it, you'll find that Wikipedia declares
That cider comes from apples and perry comes from pears.

When I went just along the road I found to my delight
That one brave manufacturer had named the product right,
In big three-litre pouches, it was really quite a shock.
I went and got one every day, and drank them out of stock.

Oh, pears will give you perry, and apples give you cider.
The diff-er-ence between the two could not be any wider.
I asked some local farmers and I sent them questionnaires,
They said "Cider comes from apples and perry comes from pears".
Yes perry comes from pears now, and cider comes from apples,
An obvious distinction with which every brewer grapples.
The people who rebranded it may all be millionaires,
But cider comes from apples and perry comes from pears.

So if you're feeling angry you should write to your MP,
He'll think that you're a fruitcake, but he won't dare disagree.
Remember as you sip your pint of perry at the bar,
It wasn't Cider Como singing "Catch a Falling Star".

Oh, perry isn't cider, and cider isn't perry,
Bitter isn't lager, and brandy isn't sherry,
Whisky isn't vodka, and my own dear mother swears
That cider comes from apples and perry comes from pears.
Cider comes from apples and perry comes from pears,
Cider comes from apples and perry comes from pears.
Go and change the label if anybody dares,
For cider comes from apples...
...and perry comes from pears!

Ask Me Another


Had a referendum
All about a mayor -
Never thought about it,
Didn't really care.
Got no information,
Nothing through the door I could see.
Oh, it's hard to decide, why would anyone want to ask me?

Now we'll have another,
Worryingly soon.
In or out of Europe,
Twenty-third of June.
Parties are divided,
Politicians just can't agree.
Oh, it's hard to decide, why would anyone want to ask me?

All these years when they never heard my point of view.
All these years I've been waiting,
And then there's not one referendum but two.

Good to be consulted,
Good to have a choice.
Glad we're democratic,
Glad I've got a voice.
Listen to the people,
That's the way the country should be.
But it's hard to decide, why would anyone want to ask me?

Am I for or against, is it Leave or Remain?
Should we change to a mayor,
Should we stick with the leader, or should I abstain?

Need to think it over,
Need to ponder long.
This could last for ever,
Mustn't get it wrong.
Make the right decision -
That's the thing I know I must do.
And if you can't decide, make your mind up, they're going to ask you.
Yes, if you can't decide, make your mind up before they ask you!

Christmas Cacophony


I don't care a lot for Christmas,
Never meant too much to me,
Stuff the turkey, sod the presents,
Stick them up your Christmas tree.
Worst of all I can't abide
Hearing every Christmastide
One unpleasant thing -
The Christmas song that no one can sing.

Every year in mid-December
When you think you're having fun,
There's that song you all remember
Never got to Number One.
When it starts it's bright and catchy,
Everyone can sing along,
Then it gets a little patchy,
People start to get it wrong.
Now you've got the melody,
All at once it changes key.
You'll just have to wing
The Christmas song that no one can sing.
(Oh yeah!  Oh no!  Oh yeah!)

You can spend all day rehearsing,
You can play the track all night,
Still you know you'll end up cursing
For you'll never get it right.
You can play with friends and neighbours,
You can practise on your own,
At the end of all your labours
You're still off one semitone.
Though you know the words by heart,
If you haven't learned the part
Chaos you will bring
To the Christmas song that no one can sing.

You will get a detrimental feeling when you hear
Voices trying to be jolly wailing in your ear.
If you find it kind of scary,
Blame it on Mariah Carey -
She can sing in different keys,
But otherwise keep quiet please!

I would give a million dollars
Not to hear that same refrain,
Everybody simply hollers,
Don't they know they're causing pain?
If you care for music more,
Here's advice you won't ignore:
End the suffering
From the Christmas song that no one can sing.  (Oh yeah!)
The Christmas song that no one can sing.  (Oh no!)
The Christmas song that no one can ... sing.